Dear Diary
by FannyT
Summary: Acting on a whim, Momiji turns old note book into a diary. Gradually it becomes a dear companion, and sometimes, he even writes what he really feels. But mostly he jokes around, because this is Momiji we're talking about, after all.


Hello Furuba fans! This was written as the companion piece to To Rin, from Haru, but works just as well if you haven't read it. This is Momiji's story. Bookwise, it runs from book number… seven or eight, maybe, all the way to book thirteen (so if you haven't read that far, there are bound to be spoilers).

…Ah, Momiji. He's such a cutie.

On with the fic! Hope you like it.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Fruits Basket.

Dear Diary,

Actually, you're not a diary. Sorry. I guess I should have broken it to you gently, but there's really no kinder way to say this: you are a note book. No, wait – I will be _completely_ honest with you: you are the back of a note book (the front being taken up with math problems).

It was nice to get that off my chest.

But never mind your doubtful origins! I will love you just as much anyway, and I promise to treat you with all the respect you, as my diary, deserve.

I think we should change your name, though. "Dear Diary" always looks so corny, and even more so when it's written in the back of a maths note book. (It's dog-eared, too.)

Wait while I ask Haru for a good name.

This is the conversation between me and Haru regarding The Choosing of Names:

Me: Haru, I need a name for my diary. Since it consists of this book (holding book up) I was thinking it might be something mathsy. Suggestions?

Haru: ...

Haru: I dunno...

Haru: My Black self is pretty good at maths, actually.

Haru: Why are you looking at me like that?

Me: I'm just thinking... just _how_ have you come to the conclusion that you're good at maths when you're Black? Do you perhaps, in between breaking chairs with your bare hands and beating people to within an inch of their life, sometimes pick up your maths book and work out a couple of proofs for the Pythagorean Equation?

Haru: You can be surprisingly sarcastic sometimes.

Me: I try to be diverse.

Haru: When I'm Black, I'm really good at calculating the exact number of punches needed to smash through a window.

Me: Oh? How many?

Haru: One, usually.

So there you have it. Since Haru's Black personality is good at maths ("good" as defined by Haru, that is – I think we can safely say he will not be following in Einstein's footsteps), your new name is "Blackie".

You may want to start practising it. That way you won't have to hesitate when introducing yourself at parties, as that kind of thing is always embarrassing.

It appears our time has run out! What a disastrous end to our first encounter! My lunch hour is over, and I must be going to my classes.

Bye for now!

……

Dear Blackie,

Used to your new name yet? I hope so. You've had a day or two to try it out, after all.

Lunch is boring today – it's raining, so we're eating in the entrance hall. It's cramped, because we're not the only ones who had the bright idea to seek shelter here. In other words, it wasn't such a bright idea.

Haru just took my carrot! I had been saving that for last! I will now proceed to hate him for ever and ever.

Ooh, he gave me a lollipop. He's forgiven.

I really ought to be studying for my maths test now. I was supposed to work on it last night, but it was Papa's night for visiting. We had dinner and talked some, and he asked me how school was. "Good," I said and he asked, "And how is your German going?" and I said, "Papa, I don't take German anymore. Remember?" and he said, "Oh, yes. Right. Right." and then we just sort of sat there.

We always run out of things to say to each other too quickly.

So I neglected my maths yesterday to watch Papa squirm his way through our compulsory dinner, and I neglect my maths today to write to you. In other words, if I fail it's your fault and your fault only. So there.

...Oh well. At least I won't be at the very bottom of class. There is one other person who should be feeling the beginnings of panic at the thought of our test next period. However, the person in question is lying flat on his stomach next to me, calmly chewing his carrot (_my_ carrot) and writing something on the back of an old bus ticket.

I wonder if Haru even knows we have a test today?

I told Haru we had a maths test today and he said, "Huh." Then I asked what he was writing and he said "Nn."

My friend Haru, dear Blackie, is a man of few words. Actually, he mostly communicates by noises. Luckily I am very well versed in the ways of Haru, and can thus translate: "Huh" means "That so? Haven't opened the book for three weeks. Oh well, that's life," and "Nn" means "Piss off, it's none of your business." In other words, it's something about Rin.

He thinks I don't know about them, which just goes to prove that he can be rather dumb sometimes.

Well, I'm off to the gallows. (Put more conventionally, the maths test.) If I'm still alive when I get out, I'll check in with you and tell you how I went.

Tchüss

……

Good morning, Blackie,

So my maths test wasn't the killer I was expecting. I didn't do very well (I blew the last question completely), but at least I avoided that 0.5 per cent result I was fearing. Haru did worse – he left five minutes into the test and handed in an answer sheet that had "Dunno" down for every single question except the last one, which he had aced.

I'm sure there is some deeper meaning behind this.

My teacher took me aside today and said he was very disappointed by my result. He said it was a regrettable dip in my standards, and wondered if I had any explanation. I wasn't sure of what to tell him. "Well, the day before the test happened to be the one day of the month my father dares to spend an evening with me, and during this precious father-son time I started wondering if he ever listens to what I say at all. After an extremely awkward dinner, the last thing on my mind was maths. Sorry."

Somehow, I don't think he'd be entirely satisfied with my explanation.

On a more cheerful note, the test was mainly about angles and triangles and... things... (My teacher may have had a point, after all.) This meant that the word hypotenuse figured several times on every page, and since I like this word I have now decided that your new name is Hype.

Blackie is so not you.

I'm off again. Physics starts in five. See you later, Hype.

……

Hello Hype,

I'm in English, and bored. This doesn't have a patch on my old German class.

I wish Papa had just asked me _why_ I dropped German. That wouldn't have been so hard, would it? I mean, you'd expect him to be curious, wouldn't you?

Maybe he knew what my answer would be, and didn't want to hear it.

I've always been happy Mama is German. She's so pretty, and exotic-looking. I guess I had an idea that if I kept speaking German, and kept trying to bring out everything in me that came from Mama, she would realise I was hers... or something.

I stopped when I realised it wasn't going to happen. And learning German just made me sad.

I wonder if Momo takes German. Well... she wouldn't really have to, would she? I mean, Mama could just speak German with her.

My teacher just told me to say "I have a rabbit". I told him I am a rabbit. He said "No, you've mixed up _to have_, and _to be_."

I hadn't, but I don't think I should tell him that.

Bye

……

Dear Hype,

I am very very tired this morning. This is because Haru hijacked me after school yesterday and informed me that he and I were going to drink ourselves into oblivion, something we then also did.

Looking like you're ten years old has this going for it: you can get away with anything. Ask twenty of the people closest to me what I was doing last night at nine and the answer will in ninety-five percent of the cases be "Enjoying milk and cookies in front of Mogeta".

The remaining five percent will answer "Ngh," because that is Haru and he has a headache.

It appears Rin has dumped him, and rather cruelly so. (Needless to say, this was why he'd decided to drown his sorrows yesterday, and take me along for chaperone. No one suspects him of anything, either, when he's with me. It's very practical.) That's something I definitely didn't see coming. You just had to look at her to see how much she liked him – and now, all of a sudden, she tells him she's tired of him and wants him to piss off.

I wonder if it has anything to do with her accident, but I can't see how.

Maybe she fell in love with one of the male nurses.

Maybe she fell in love with one of the female nurses.

Maybe I should just stop writing stupid theories.

...Now that I think about it, this would explain Haru's recent rampage through the classroom. I thought he was just annoyed because the guy behind him was kicking his chair.

I'm going to poke him now to see if I can get him to go crazy. Black Haru is always closer to the surface when he has a hangover. Until next time...

……

Good morning, Hype!

It isn't really morning, it's lunch, but I wanted to write that anyway. It looks so bright and chipper, doesn't it? In reality, I'm not all that chipper right now. I've been running around all morning playing tag, and now I'm beat.

We were stopped three times by teachers who told the guys I was playing with to stop chasing _that poor girl_. They were terribly embarrassed once they realised it was me, though, which was kind of fun.

Speaking of being girly, I had another talk yesterday with my maths teacher about my uniform. He insists on calling me a disgrace to mankind, particularly – or so I take it – the _man_ part of it. Me, I just don't see what the big fuss is. I don't like black, and I like blue. What's wrong with me wearing the blue uniform? (It has a cute hat, too.) It's not like I wear a skirt or anything.

And it's not like I wish I was a girl.

I asked a girl in my Japanese class out once last year. She was cute, and she had sparkly eyes, and she wore her hair in two long plaits almost down to her waist. And what I liked most about her was how she laughed a lot. I like people who laugh.

She laughed when I asked her out, too. Not in a mean way or anything, she just couldn't believe I was serious. I laughed, too, and said I wanted to marry her and hug her forever, like it was a joke.

I haven't asked anyone out since then.

Ooh, I see Tohru! Bye, Hype!

……

Hello Hype,

Do you know what Hype sounds like, I just realised? Either a person who drives a futuristic space ship in something like The Matrix, or someone who does daring graffiti by moonlight in suburban London.

Neither of these fit in with you (unless you've been doing some nightly overseas trips I don't know about and scrawled _Maths stinks Diaries rock_ all over King's Cross Station) and that is why I shall come up with a new name for you.

Do not whine. You ought to be used to this.

I'm not feeling very inspired today, though.

Not at all, actually.

You know what? I'm going to call you Incognito until I come up with something better.

Well, Incognito, today the birds are twittering and the sun is shining and I'm just sitting here, taking it easy and soaking up warmth. I remember Ayame used to love these days when he was a lazy just-out-of-his-teens. (He probably still loves them, only he's not quite as lazy anymore.) On days like these he used to lie on the porch at the main house, stretched out to his full length with a glass of something cold in near reach – and do absolutely nothing. Just _S-O-A-K_.

Akito would come along every once in a while and glare at him for a bit, but Ayame wouldn't care. He'd just turn over, and say pleasantly that could Akito please walk just two steps to the left, that'd be grand, thanks. I envied that in him, so much.

He's probably the one person who could have saved Yuki, back then, and he didn't care enough about his little brother to find out about what happened to him. And that, my dear Incognito, is what they call the sweet irony of life, although there's nothing sweet about it. Actually, it sucks.

It's _so_ sunny. I want to be outside for ever. I wish English will be cancelled I wish English will be cancelled I wish English will be cancelled...

……

I'm really afraid for Tohru sometimes. She just doesn't understand... She doesn't know what Akito's like when he's angry, and she doesn't understand how it feels to disobey him – like ten thousand needles jabbed into your skin all over your body, needles with barbs on them so it hurts when you pull them back out. And your head hurts, and you hate yourself but you don't know why.

And still she tries to understand, and help us even though she has no idea of how, and I'm really afraid he'll hurt her, because I _like_ Tohru. She's like a kid and she's really ditzy sometimes but I still like her so much.

She's a bit like my kid sister, even though she's older.

I'm so scared she'll be hurt, without me being able to do anything about it. I don't know how to protect someone. I've only ever protected one person, and that was by letting her forget me.

Sometimes I wish Tohru could do that. Forget about Yuki and Kyo and me and Haru and all the Sohmas. At least she'd be safe.

People get hurt when they know about us.

……

Tally Ho!

Today is a very good day. In Biology Haru was called upon to describe the digestive system of an ox, which he did perfectly and with great detail. The look of shock on our teacher's face kept me giggling all through the rest of the class and well into the one after.

Our teachers are, from Haru, used to monosyllabic answers on the lines of "huh," ("yes"), "nuh," ("no"), or "uh," ("can't you tell I don't have a clue?") Every once in a while, however, he stuns them with in-depth analytical questions, prompt and precise answers to difficult problems and passionate essays. This occurs whenever he feels like it, or when the subject is things that go "moo".

No one has reflected on this, something I find rather strange. If I were a teacher and had a Haru in my class, I'd slip him into a straight jacket and send him over to Child Psychology right away.

Oh, I see that's where the punching through windows comes in handy. (Most of our teachers couldn't punch through a paper screen. I don't think they'd want to try their luck in a fight.)

Anyway, the day continued good. At lunch I was talking to some people from the class and just fooling around as usual, when I noticed Kuragi-san looking at us. (She's in my class but always quiet, so I have hardly spoken to her.) She was just looking at us, not looking angry or annoyed or smiling or showing any emotion whatsoever – just looking.

So I started clowning around even worse and jumping up and down and making big gestures and talking in funny voices, to see if I could get her to react. Well, it was no go, although the ones I was talking to seemed to having fun. (I don't think they even realised she was watching, so they just thought I was being weird. It doesn't matter; they're used to that.)

So I turned towards her and grinned really, really big – she didn't even blink – and then without warning I just suddenly made this ridiculously sad face _and I saw her mouth twitch_.

Once again, good humour has triumphed over melancholy!

Then again, she sort of disappeared after that so I don't know if that really was a smile or just a nervous twitch. Maybe she thought I was an insane little would-be stalker and was just imagining how I was going to butcher and eat her. I might think the same if I was in her situation.

It's much more fun to believe I coached a smile out of her, though, as it would be a first.

In other news, Incognito is a horrible name and much too long. I have therefore considered other names and come up with this: in maths we've moved on from triangles and are now having fun with our friend The Circle. The Circle is round so it makes me think of a ball which makes me think of soccer which makes me think of Maradona which makes me think of dreadlocks which makes me think of Bob Marley which makes me think of getting high which makes me think of the song _Jimmy gets High_ and that's why your new name is Jim.

Doesn't it feel mathsy? Of course it does.

Haru just said he doesn't think Maradona has dreadlocks. I think he's wrong, and I also think he's reading over my shoulder. Haru, are you reading my very personal diary in which I talk about very personal things like how non-friendly I actually feel with The Circle and how I'm going to eat Kuragi-san?

Haru, don't you realise that to answer "No" you must have _read_ the question I just wrote? In my _very personal diary_? Does that phrase ring any bells?

Jim, I have to teach Haru some things about privacy. See you later. In the meantime I'll leave you my Daniel Powter record and you can listen to your song, although don't get high just because the song says you do, cause I'll probably have a hell of a time writing in you later.

Goodbye!

……

Hello Jim,

It turns out Haru was right about Maradona. He doesn't have dreadlocks. I was thinking about someone else. This means that Haru was right and I was wrong. _This is because Haru is such a smart person. _

Strange, isn't it, how I wrote that last sentence in a hand completely different from my usual? Strange, isn't it, how it in fact looked a whole lot like _Haru's_ handwriting?

A mystery, as someone I know would say.

Haru has now stopped looking over my shoulder because he got bored. (He doesn't like reading much.) He is instead writing in his own maths book, with considerable reluctance. (He doesn't like writing, either.) I think he's writing to Rin. Last time we talked about her he told me how he's been trying to put some words on paper, any words, to try and explain to her how he feels about their break-up. So far he's managed one "Get better"-note.

Not surprisingly, he found this inadequate.

She's left the hospital now, but he can't seem to get the courage up to go see her. He fears encountering that coldness she showed him last time they met. I can understand that, in a way, but I think he's making this whole thing unnecessarily dramatic. When he finally went to see her in the hospital, she had known he was coming and had prepared a nice little break-up speech. If he went to see her now, he would probably just meet the real Rin.

I told him this, but he just shrugged and kept writing. I guess he thinks he can express himself better on paper. Good luck, Haru. Writing down what you feel is not all that easy. I can't get further than "I miss her", and I've been trying for ten years.

Then again, my English teacher told us yesterday about a guy who shut himself in a room for twenty years to write a book (so maybe I'm not doing so bad, by comparison). I asked her if the book was any good and she said no, it sucked. A classic, but so so so boring. Although there was one pretty good part in it about a cookie.

Maybe I'll read it. After all, I like cookies.

Auf Wiedersehen

……

Dear Jim,

Haru has lately been trying to impress upon me the importance of idleness. He says to be able to work properly and energetically we also need to spend time doing nothing, just like we need to work to be able to appreciate those lazy days. He says many of mankind's greatest inventions were conceived because of people being idle, and having the time to notice everything around them and coming up with ideas. He says time off is best spent lying flat on your back and watching the clouds (unless it's raining). He says idleness is the natural state of man.

Above all this, he says it annoys him to see me jumping about and chatting when I ought to sit down and shut up.

I think he's training me for summer. We're going to go away to the summer house, all of us, and Haru is trying to make sure it will be a refreshing time without any annoying Momiji-bouts of restless energy. He will not be successful. Sitting down and shutting up is boring.

I haven't told Kyo and Yuki and Tohru we're going yet. It's going to be a surprise. I love surprises, especially giving them.

I've been longing for the summer holidays to start for a long time now. It's going to be great to just get away from everything for a while... not have to think about watching out so I don't bump into anyone and transform, not have to see Papa and try to think of things to say, not have to worry about Akito. Because he scares me, more and more every day. I'm looking forward to escaping the Sohma estate for a while. And best of all, I'm going to see Tohru every day, and Yuki and Kyo too. I don't see them enough during school. I know Haru is longing to get away, too – he won't have to feel the same hope turn to disappointment every time he sees a long-haired girl in the distance, and she turns out not to be Rin after all.

Oh well! School ends tomorrow, and I'm busy busy right now, packing away all my stuff for the summer. And that stuff includes you. So the time has come for us to part! Have a good summer, Jim...

... and bye-bye!

……

HELLO JIM!

And welcome to the autumn term. I'd completely forgotten about you, but then the other day I was looking for my notes on an old maths problem and what should I find but YOU! _What_ a pleasant surprise. Hope your summer was good, mine was. We went to the villa and had fun – swimming and smashing watermelons and setting of fireworks.

I'm not sure you noticed, but all off those activities started with s. Kind of cool.

Haru says it's because we're Ssssohmas and can't do anything if it doesn't start with s. I believe he is wrong. For example, he likes to sleep and smash people up and snoop, apparently, since he's reading out of my diary again, and I just realised none of those were good examples, were they. Damn.

Oh well! These couple of months have passed peacefully and we're all safe and sound (aargh!), and feeling happy and rested. I'm pleased about being back at school, too. I have missed it, a little bit (and am well aware this makes me weird).

Nothing's really new in school, and I haven't got any new teachers this year. My English class is after a free period, _again_. Boring, boring, boring. The student council was announced yesterday, and Yuki is president of course. He looked so smart up there on the podium, presenting himself. The vice president seems like a bit of a dope, but presumably he knows his stuff.

Kuragi-san in my class was made treasurer. I'm in shock.

And that was our trivia update! Must go off to English. Goodbye and welcome back, Jim!

……

Dear Jim,

Been baiting Kyo all morning. I told him I think Tohru is the cutest person in the world, and that I've decided to marry her when I grow up (I can get away with saying this, unlike most people). Then I told him I knew I'd have to fight with him for it, though, and advised him to start training. Because, I said, he was after all my RIVAL IN LOVE.

He looked uncomprehending for about five seconds and then blushed so hard people turned to watch him.

He started about five sentences but wasn't able to finish any of them ("You little – what do you think – I haven't ever said – I mean, that's not – you don't even – aaargh, you _runt_!") looked around to see if he could beat me up without getting noticed – he couldn't – and finally contented himself with glaring at me. If looks could kill, I would be rabbit stew by now (or possibly two nice little filets, with roasted potatoes, asparagus and a dash of red wine sauce).

Haru always tells me off for teasing Kyo. (But it's so much fun!) He says it's not fair on him, he's just a young man in love which one should respect, and besides doesn't Yuki have an equally big chance of winning Tohru's love? We shouldn't project our own conclusions and beliefs on them, really. That's what Haru says, and it's very fine and noble. Only I know for a fact he has a betting pool going called "The Gamble of Love: Kyo vs Yuki", where at the moment the odds are twenty to one in Kyo's favour, and rising fast.

Teasing Yuki isn't half as fun. He just looks at me calmly and tells me not to say things that will upset Tohru. (Upset _Tohru_, he says. Cute, isn't it? Tohru doesn't get upset. She uhms and ahs and waves her hands a lot whenever the subject is mentioned, though. And looks at Kyo. Haha! They're all so transparent.)

I haven't ever dared to tease Haru about Rin, since I know what he does to people who tease him. I'd like to think he's too fond of me to beat me into a pulp if I annoyed him too much, but I have a sneaking suspicion he isn't.

Kuragi-san just entered the class room, after skiving off the last class. Whenever she's been missing classes and the teacher asks her why, she mumbles student council and there's no trouble about it. (Must be nice, being in the student council.) She's lying, though. I've seen her walking out of school when she's supposed to be in her so called council meetings, and once I saw her in town, ambling down a street sort of purposelessly.

Why did I see her? Because Haru and I had skipped Physics to go buy ice-cream.

I never said it was a _bad_ thing, skivving off.

But that's not the point! My point with mentioning Kuragi-san was, when she walked past me just now, she nodded at me. _She nodded at me_. Kuragi "I speak to no one" Machi-san acknowledged my existence.

I wonder what I've done to deserve the honour?

Oh, the teacher just came. Bye-bye.

……

I've been reading back through this, and it's all so light-hearted. It's like everything's just one big joke. In fact, it isn't. We weren't all safe and sound after our visit to the villa, and Tohru being hurt by Akito isn't a joke at all.

I hate myself for being such a weak little kid. I joke about looking like ten all the time but it's _not funny_, not being big or strong enough to help anyone. What can I do? Run for the adults. Great job, Momiji, real brave.

I stood up to Akito though. A little bit. Got my face socked for it – jaw's still a bit sore. That's what happens when I try to show backbone.

……

Jim,

Ignore yesterday's entry. It was written by my insane and melodramatic alter-ego. I have now locked him back into the cupboard which is his home, and given him a jar of cookies to ensure that he does not escape again.

I've been thinking lately, maybe I should have trained martial arts like the others. Haru tried to make me go once, when we were kids, but I didn't want to. I didn't think it'd be my thing – I guess it wouldn't, at that. But it does make me feel a bit left out. All the others trained with Kazuma-san – Haru and Kyo and Kagura and even Yuki (who after all doesn't look as if he'd be any good, either). And Rin, too... I think?

Then again, I don't _need_ to know how to break someone's nose. (I believe you're taught things like that in martial arts training – or maybe I'm thinking of Ultimate Fighting.) Blocking hits might be good to know, though.

I could ask Haru to give me private lessons.

Speaking of Haru, he's pretty happy lately. I wouldn't say he's over the whole Rin thing, but I think he's settled down and realised there's nothing he can do about it at present. Something happened to her that made her push Haru away, and until she decides to tell him about it he'll only make it worse by asking.

He saw her recently, I think. Good for him.

Tchüss!

……

Jim,

I haven't changed your name for some time! I've been rather fond of this one, as a matter of fact. But all good things must come to an end, and you shall hereafter be called Matthew.

Clever, huh? It sounds a lot like maths, so I thought it was a good name.

Exit Jim, enter Matthew.

I told Haru about my new desire to be a martial arts experts and know all there is to know about fending off punches. He told me that I don't need to know how to block hits since if ever someone is being mean to me I can just call for Haru and he'll come and kill whoever is threatening to hit me. Wasn't that nice?

I never told him what happened at the villa. I'd be embarrassed to.

I don't have time to write today, because I have to do my violin homework or my teacher will eat me. Wish me luck.

Bye-bye!

……

Dear Matthew,

Today at lunch I was feeling tired, so I retreated from my class – they always expect me to be all energetic and entertaining, for a good reason since I usually am – and went to a part of the school grounds I'm not often at. I'd just curled up on a nice quiet bench and was preparing to drift off to sleep when Kuragi-san came along and asked if she could sit down. Then she proceeded to pour her heart out.

I make grimaces at her once and suddenly I'm her confidante?

(Sadly, that says a lot about her circle of friends. Does she even have any?)

(...A sobering thought.)

She was just sitting there at first, all silent, and I was wondering whether I could go to sleep anyway when she suddenly burst out, "I would _like_ to talk to people, but I don't know _how_. It's not that I don't _want_ to!"

Me: "Indeed?" (Must be the most idiotic answer in history. The girl was having a introspective moment, for crying out loud.)

Kuragi-san: (Fortunately not listening to me) "I'm not being proud or anything. And it's not that I'm nervous, either. I'm just not good at talking pointless words."

Me: "That's not a fault..."

Kuragi-san: "And I can't tell when people are only joking, and when they are serious... like they ask me to do something and then they say _you don't have to! I was only joking!_ and laugh like they're thinking _is she for real?_ But then, why did they say it in the first place?"

Me: (solemn Haru-voice) "A mystery."

Me: (to self) "You insensitive bastard."

Kuragi-san: (Again, fortunately not realising that I was being a prat) "I just get confused as to what to say. I never know the correct way to speak, so it's easier to just stay silent."

Me: "Mm."

Kuragi-san: (Silent for some time, then looking at me sharply) "Thank you for listening."

Me: "Huh?"

Then she got up and left.

An intriguing encounter, won't you say?

……

Good morning Matthew,

I've been rather disquieted by Kuragi-san's sudden display of emotion a couple of days ago. I've been counting, and I'm pretty sure I've never said twenty words to her before. I was uncertain of how to act the day after – should I sit beside her in class? Should I hug her (maybe not) or pat her back and say "There, there. We love you just as you are"? Should I call the school psychiatrist? However, she just nodded shortly when she entered the class room (on time for Biology! First time in two weeks) and sat down in her usual seat by the window.

Oh well.

I wasn't going to let it go that easily though, so I cornered her at lunch earlier today and asked why she had come to speak to me. She looked at me, like _isn't it obvious?_, and said, "Because you don't tell others' secrets." Then she added, as an afterthought, "It was you or Hatsuharu-san, but I wanted to speak to someone who listened."

That's logical, I guess.

So I'm The Listener! Nice for her. She got it off her mind and into _my_ head, instead. I haven't stopped thinking about what she said for a single day since then. And it's not that I grudge her the relief of talking her troubles over, but...

...just once, I'd like to be The Talker. I mean, really talk. I can talk to Haru, but Kuragi-san has a point. He doesn't listen, not like that. Not even to me. It's not because he's disinterested or snotty – that's just how he is. I wish it wasn't, but I can't do anything about it.

Now I'm too serious and mopy! That's not me! I must go and make faces at someone to get back into Momiji-mood. Tchüss!

……

GOD, I HATE HIM.

……

Hello Matthew,

I haven't written for a while. I haven't talked much to anyone for a while. Well, of course I've _talked_ – I'm Momiji – but not as much as I might have.

I've been very angry with Papa. I'm often angry with him, or at the least disappointed, but this time I was so angry I doubted I'd ever speak with him again. But it passed. It always does. You can't go around hating; it's exhausting.

I've _told_ him, though. He's one of the three people I've told my dream to. I told him, only half a year ago, that I wanted to become a violinist. It's not impossible. I know I'm good. I know I could become _really_ good. He knows it, too – and still he tells me I can't take lessons. Because Momo has to have my teacher.

Did he even listen to what I was saying? I told him what I wished for more than anything – did that register at all?

He told me on the day for our monthly dinner. Our one day out of an entire month, and he uses it to tell me I can't go on playing with Schrödinger. I said, fine. I said, get out. And he did. He didn't refuse to go, or try to comfort me, or sit me down and tell me he'd find some way for me to go on playing, eventually. It'd be a lie, but at least it'd show he was sorry.

I waited until he'd gone and then I cried for two hours.

I hated him. And I hated Momo for a while, too. Only for a day or so. Then I saw her playing the violin with Schrödinger when I came to pick up the last of my music scores, and I loved her all over again. She's so small, and when she plays her violin she closes her eyes just like I do and lets the music almost play itself.

I bet she's good.

I'd love to play with her one day.

Haru's calling – I have to go. I promised to hang out with him today. I'm not halfway done with this story yet, so I'll continue later.

……

Dear Matthew,

I've cried more in this month than in the last two years.

Like I wrote earlier today, I'd promised Haru a night out. I thought he wanted to just have a good time, or maybe talk to me about Rin – I know he still worries about her. Of course he does. _I _worry about her, all the time.

But he never brought Rin up. He didn't tell me where we were going, either. He just led the way to the bus stop, and we caught a bus into town and went to a café I knew only vaguely, and then he ordered me a hot chocolate just the way I like it and when I was just wondering if he'd mistaken the date of my birthday he handed me two tickets to a violin concert tonight. And then he asked me what was wrong.

I cried then. I didn't know he'd even noticed.

So I told him. And he listened, and didn't interrupt or start looking off into the distance, and when I'd finished talking he just said, "I'm this close to Black right now".

Maybe I should tell Papa to look twice before entering dark alleys for the next week or so.

After I'd blown my nose and finished my chocolate we went to the concert, and that's where I cried for the second time today because it was so beautiful. One day I'll play like that. I don't care if I can't ever play with Schrödinger again. I'll play like that no matter what it takes.

I came back half an hour ago. I know I couldn't fall asleep now unless I drugged myself, so I'm going to finish the story I began earlier.

So, the situation is thus: I can't play, because Momo shall play. And that hurt me. I know Momo will always be Papa's first concern. It was still a shock to realise just how much.

He told me, a long time ago, that he'd love me enough for both Mama and him. Of course, that was just one of those things you say; and besides, how can you love _for_ someone else? But that's just the way Papa speaks. He makes promises but he always finds it hard to keep them. And his life is so full with Mama and Momo. I'm something left over, an obligation he has to keep.

Still, I think he loves me well enough in his own way. He just doesn't know how to deal with me.

But I will end on a high note, just like the score I was working on with Schrödinger just before I quit. _Because Momo knows who I am._ That's why she wanted to take up the violin. She wanted to be like me. She's been watching me, just like I've been watching her. Maybe one day we'll take away the pane of glass between us and talk. I can't wait...

The one who told me about Momo was Tohru. Remember, Matthew, how I wrote earlier that I've only told three people about wanting to become a violinist and one was Papa? The second – or rather the first, because I told him before Papa – is Haru, of course. And the third is Tohru.

I regret it a little bit, now. Not that I think she'll tell anyone or anything, but it's something very private, my most important wish. It feels as if the more people I tell, the less real it will become until it's just a meaningless phrase, an answer to the ever present question _and what does Momiji want to be when he grows up, then?_ Also, I'm a little wary that she might pity me, and I'd hate that.

Well, whatever. Now she knows. I guess it's not such a bad thing, at that – after all, I like Tohru a lot. I even promised her I'd play for her one day, and she got all flustered in that cute way of hers.

Now I lost track completely. Where was I… Oh, yeah! Tohru came to visit me the other day. She wanted to see Kureno, because – actually, I didn't really understand why, but never mind. The point is that on the way here she ran into Momo, who was coming to play around my house...

She actually comes here, to listen to me play the violin. She sits ten metres away and listens, and she likes what I play and she likes me. I can't believe it.

It's easier to bear, having to quit my classes with Schrödinger when I know it's because of me that Momo has started playing the violin. Also, I've been told that Schrödinger told Papa that under no circumstances must I be allowed to quit completely. It's nice to think he sees something in me.

The reason my writing is so blotchy is that I've been crying for a bit again. I knew I'd break a record for crying today. It's because thinking back on how Momo wants to get to know me makes me so happy. (And that makes me cry? Yeah, Momiji, logical.)

Now I'm almost falling asleep even while I write, so I must sign off. Good night...

……

Dear Matthew,

The end has now definitely come, I'm afraid. If I keep writing much longer I will end up fitting the words in between the equations of a knotty problem about how much weight the leg of a giant can support. (Our teacher loves the maths book we use because it has such a lot of problems applicable to modern everyday life. I don't know where she lives but have made a mental note never to move there.)

I've been reading through all this again in the hope of achieving a blinding flash of realisation of how much I've grown over the half year or so I've been writing. None came. I don't think I've changed at all.

I haven't spoken to Kuragi-san since that time I wrote about. She still sits alone by the window and goes for walks during lessons and speaks to no one. I haven't managed to change that, and I haven't dared to try.

I haven't grown any stronger. I'm still afraid of Akito. I still don't know what I would do if he ever tried to hurt Tohru or anyone else I liked again.

I haven't found out what happened to Rin, even though I think about it all the time and even though I know Haru is tying himself into knots about it.

I haven't managed to have one sincere conversation with Papa.

I haven't often said what I feel.

But I've had fun! And that's what matters isn't it? I've been much too serious and dramatic the last couple of times I've written, but I promise you that I haven't acted nearly so precocious in real life. It's hard for you, Matthew, to get an honest impression of what my life is like – it's all bits and pieces, small sections of my life at a time.

You must be thinking I'm a nutcase.

Ah! The last of the Giant's Leg equation in hovering into view. I must finish off. Thank you for good companionship, Blackie-Hype-Incognito-Jim-Matthew...

... and maybe I'll see you again in my notebook for English or something one day.

Goodbye!

……

The End

………………

_References: The book Momiji is talking about – the one with the cookie – is _À la recherche du temps perdu_ (don't know what it's called in English, sorry), by Marcel Proust. Momiji's teacher's assessment of the book is almost word for word what my Swedish teacher told me while we read about the book in Classic Literature, and it is also a sentiment with which I agree completely. (I've started on it but didn't have the energy to read more than a couple of pages. However, I like the part about the cookie.)_


End file.
